Forget leaps for babies, here’s what the wonder weeks would look like if they did one for us parents:
As you enter the parental leap the realisation that your old ten hours of blissful sleep was something you definitely took for granted. This leap, known as the world of ‘what the fuck’, can last up to 18 years, and will include mastering skills such as necking cold coffee, surviving whole seasons of baby sensory, and coming to terms with your legs looking like kiwi fruits.
The results of what you can achieve after joining this leap will forever be noticeable. You’ll start to see a whole new human being – don’t worry, they’ll be pretty heroic.
However, whilst you come to terms with these changes, you may notice the following:
You cry over nothing more than usual
You are seriously cranky
You are happy as Larry one moment, then having a breakdown the next
After chocolate you act unusually sweet
You throw temper tantrums
You may alternate the same sweat pants every three days
You hate your partner’s face for absolutely no reason whatsoever
You wish to sleep forever
You protest more often than usual when your partner stops offering attention
You protest more often than usual when your partner offers you MORE attention
You develop a strong relationship with carbs
You sometimes just sit there
You may feel the need to be overly clingy
You will probably whisper a number of swear words to yourself at least ten times a day
You may become unfamiliar with what a shower is
You will (most probably) pee yourself
You too will learn to crawl, as walking requires too much valuable energy
After the leap ends (if it ever does god so help you) you may start to feel ever so slightly human. This, is when for most app users, they will forget what life was like and get pregnant again… oh good god.